The Scrog Blog

HAPPY ZOMBIE DAY

2012-02-14T11:44:00.001-08:00

May all your liver-slurping, face-chomping dreams come true.

Some Inside Movie Shit: Paris the French Robot

2011-12-17T16:03:00.000-08:00

Being who I am, I sometimes get inside info on some real-deal Hollywood movings and shakings and whatnot. This isn't really that, but I think it's hilarious so I'm writing about it anyway.

My friend Carlos of Scribe Services PR represents this French actress by the name of Paris Benjamin (that's her--->) who just shot a movie called Folklore in which, according to Carlos' press release, "She plays Annabelle, an android" joined by "a water nymph, a vampire, extra terrestrials and other assorted beings who are asked to talk about their lives by a government agency in a far-off future."

First off, this girl is from France and her name is Paris. Coincidence, or weird attempt to ride on the esteemed coattails of Paris Hilton? Hard to say, but that's neither here nor there. Let me share what Paris has to say about playing Annabelle the android (oh yeah, Folklore is a comedy):

"I never played an android and working on a comedy is always fun. I liked the idea of a science-fiction comedy, but I also liked being a really strange character that has to explain herself even though she's really a robot. There's something really funny about that but also something very meaningful."

Ohhhhhhhh, where to begin?! Paris (if that's your real name) ... I'm sorry you got cast in something that sounds like a fake bad movie pitch someone might give on The Simpsons, but you really don't have to attempt to pass it off as containing any meaning, I promise. Because it doesn't.

That said, you are kinda hot, so I will most likely see the movie anyway. I'm a sucker for that sort of thing. Good night, and good luck. Love, Scrog.

Random Internet Image of the Day

2011-04-28T09:54:00.001-07:00

Etiquette of the Porn Chick

2011-04-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

Rules to live by if you want to make it as an adult starlet.

When and if you text somebody, do not under any circumstances respond to their text back.

Incompetent Porn Review

2011-02-17T09:16:00.000-08:00

Official Psycho Parody
Orona Stevens Productions/Zero Tolerance Entertainment
by Pinnicus Weinerspitz

If, you remember the movie called Psycho that Alfred Hitchchock made in the 1960's about 60 years ago, than you can understand would make somebody say, "That would sound like a good idea for something that we could make into a porn parody of." Because, we all remember that the famous shower scene where she was pretty much naked in the shower already, would obviously be easy to show you what Hitch Cock couldn't, which this time we see with the sexy Sara Sloane that also is now known as she used to be before she signed a contract with Zero tolerence, as Sara Vandellah, going into that famous part.

And if you like busting your nut like I do, than just wait because you will need some windex wiper to wipe off your screen after all the busting your nut is doing when you watch this Parody. Which they give you a choice if you want to watch it in color on the first dvd or if you want to watch in b&w on the other dvd (there are 2 dvds), and either way, let me tell you, your going to be busting your nut hard.

I first couldn't believe it when I saw in the first scene Katie Jordan a really sexy brunette kitten that tells her boss she could give some Afternoon delights to Dane Cross and Eric Masterson where they bang her like they'll never forget on their desk. And neither will you. She rides those cocks really good and you'll be jerking off right there. When she sucks those cocks with her mouth its really good too.

Sarah bangs Bates in his office with all the stuff animals, and there's even a stuffed person too. It's funny. She gets so turned on that she doesn't care he wears womens pantys, she wants to get that cock right there and she does. She really knows how to take a cock standing up or on the floor and she fucks it so hard your going to be wishing it was your cock in there.

The most you will be busting a nut though is when Breanne Benson gets fucked in the hotel room where Marion was staying by her brother Michael Vegas. Wowee! Is it making you splooge allover yourself when she is riding that cock and sucking that cock so hard. Anytime when you just feel like you really need to jerk off this scene will be a good one to watch.

Don't forget that Kagney Linn Karter is also in this movie where she plays a hooker and she gets banged by Lee Stone in another hotel. Kagney fucks a cock so good like nobody else and she gives such amazing Blowjobs that you only wish it was your cock she was giving that Blowjob too. This one is surly going to have you busting a nut.

You can't explain how awesome it is to see such a Classic Movie with all the sex you always dreamed about going on in there really happening so you can jerk off to it for real like you always dreamed about. That is why this Parody is something you shouldn't just rent but Buy it because it will always be good to have to jerk off to whenever you feel like it.

Overall I give this movie a " Best Suggestion " for all your jerking off needs.

HAPPY ZOMBIE DAY

2011-02-14T09:31:00.000-08:00

May all your flesh devouring, organ impaling dreams come true.

New Piece of Crucial 'Black Swan' Info Revealed

2010-09-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

As previously established, the upcoming film Black Swan contains the single most anticipated chunk of celluloid in the entire stretch of my Scroggy existence: lesbianosity between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis.

Well I have just learned that ON TOP OF THAT, this thing has my perennially pined-after Natalie doing some of the MASTURBATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friends, I seriously may have to put one or all of you on death watch over me when this movie comes out, because if I even manage to survive a viewing of it without perishing from some massive coronary of supreme ecstasy, I'm not entirely sure I can be trusted afterward to stop myself from ending it all out of realization that I have experienced the absolute zenith of being and there is nowhere left to go but down.

In any event, let us celebrate this new revelation with the uncensored version of Natalie's gangsta rap from SNL:

My Rosh Hashanah Wish List

2010-09-10T16:26:00.000-07:00

If anyone's wondering what they can get me for Rosh Hashanah, I would very much like one of these:

Gift cards for Menchie's would be acceptable, as well.

An Old Email to Kimberly Kane

2010-09-08T17:03:00.000-07:00

I was digging around for my good pal Kimberly Kane's email address, and stumbled upon this, which I apparently sent to her back in 2006:

Just so you know...

I barfed violently sometime in the wee hours of Saturday night. Thought I should share that with you.

Love,
peter

I got nothing.

Whitney Cummings and I: Together Again for the First Time

2010-08-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am sharing a bill next week at Sam Tripoli's Naughty Show with hot Jewess comedienne Whitney Cummings. This is very exciting. I knew our paths were destined to cross eventually ... because let's face it, we were meant for each other: we are both Jew, we both have a wicked sense of humor, I review porn, and she has a porn name. There is no way possible this is not fate at work.

Surfacing of Another Unsettling Relic

2010-06-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

What the fuck was I in college, an anemic Teletubby?!?!?!?!

Voicemail Message of the Day

2010-03-18T15:45:00.001-07:00

"Hey, it's Paul ... if you could call me back, I have a question about the spelling of 'jism.'"

— Paul Fishbein

Redundancy of the Day

2010-03-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

"Anally Sodomized"

A Phone Exchange With My Dad

2010-03-01T12:35:00.000-08:00

Dad: I saw your friend Sasha Grey on the internet.

Me: Oh yeah? What was she doing on the internet?

Dad: Her nasty porn videos.

Me: Yeah, she does those on the internet.

Dad: She's pretty nasty. But you knew that.

Me: I did. [Inner monologue: Exhibit 4,857 pertaining to how I ended up in the porn business.]

A Text Exchange With Kayden Kross

2010-02-17T21:57:00.000-08:00

Me: I'm thinking of giving up judaism for lent.

Kayden: No shit?

Me: Oh wait, I was confusing lent with rent. Never mind.

Kayden: It's a learning curve we all make these mistakes

Yup, It's Zombie Day

2010-02-14T10:20:00.000-08:00

May all your flesh-eating, intestine-gouging dreams come true.

Single Greatest Piece of Film Ever Shot on the Way

2010-02-12T10:15:00.000-08:00

I've known about this for some time, but I must go ahead and address it here so I can move on with my life. There is a movie coming this year from Darren Aronofsky, who got Jennifer Connelly to butt-slam another chick with a double-headed dildo in Requiem for a Dream, that contains a scene with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis having what's being reported as "ecstasy-induced, hungry, aggressive, angry sex." The name of this movie is Black Swan. In it, Natalie and Mila play rival ballerinas. I have yet to confirm whether either shows any nudity. But needless to say, seeing this one stretch of celluloid is currently my very top, uttermost preeminent source of motivation to go on living. Now enjoy these:

Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Somebody's Got My Number

2010-02-11T16:16:00.000-08:00

This was left for me by an unidentified co-worker as part of some candy and card giving charade that took place today at the AVN office. Whoever it was definitely knows three pertinent things about me: I love Natalie Portman and Star Wars, and I am powerful. This "V-Day" he or she is wishing me happiness for, I can only presume is a new holiday named Vagina Day, which will involve Natalie being seduced by my power and offering me her vagina all day while dressed in her various Star Wars costumes. Meanwhile, I must get back to planning my festivities for Zombie Day this Sunday.

Scrog Blog Adds Column, Ticker

2010-02-10T10:34:00.000-08:00

SCROGLAND—In a groundbreaking development both for little-read internet outpost The Scrog Blog and pretty much the entire World Wide Webosphere in general, TSB has added a third column to its layout AND a fancy-schmancy (by the unanimous attestation of its staffer) news ticker across its head providing up-to-the-minute bulletins on literally every single matter of import in the Scrogiverse. Or the top three, at least.

Says Scrog, "I like this. It's neat-o."

There is absolutely nothing else to report about this whatsoever, so the end.

An Exchange With Kimberly Kane

2010-02-04T16:41:00.000-08:00

Me: But how were the two sailors throat-fucking you?

KK: Uhhhh ... with their penises ...

Random Internet Image of the Day

2010-02-02T21:59:00.001-08:00

From the Mouths of Porn Chicks

2010-01-31T12:07:00.000-08:00

"My first trick at the brothel was a guy in a wheelchair ... I felt soooo bad for him."

— porn chick for me to know and you not so much

What Scrog Is Thinking

2010-01-25T11:06:00.000-08:00

"Good god, it's 11:06 and I've done nary a thing. There's porn chicks upstairs getting naked and I don't know why. I wonder what Sherri's Italian wedding soup will be like ... does it have pork in it? If so, I'll eat around it. Free lunch I have to eat around the pork for is better than lunch I'm paying for. Man, am I Jewish. Is Paul right that he and I are the only Jews left here? Who else might be Jewish? Not that black dude, that's for sure. Today, will I possibly leave prior to 7:00 pm? Not if I keep going like this, I won't. Is anything about this funny? Doubtful. Rubber burning does work better than ... wait, I mean burning rubber works better than rubber burning ... right? I'm fucking confused. I've had two coffees, do I dare drink a soda now? What's it gonna hurt? Thank god they finally replenished the Splenda supply over here. Now all we need is bathroom towels and we'll have something resembling a fully-functional office. De-duping. Maybe we could get some de-doping going on in this place. Ha! That one just popped out. NIIICE. OK, seriously ... reviews need posting. Please, neither of those porn dudes who may or may not be calling me call me and bother me. I got shit to do. Do I have a retard picture of myself that can go with this?"

Dog Can't Hold His Liquor

2010-01-21T11:20:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Acme Andersson, here are three pictures of a Pacifico-soused dog on a beach in Mexico:

This Chick Is Hot

2010-01-19T22:05:00.000-08:00

I came across this girl by chance today on my company's website, known to some as AVN.com, and found her to be most tantalizing:

She seems to be called Ariel Rebel. Never heard of her before, but Joanna Angel tells me she has, and that's good enough for me. See more of her over here.

A Chat With Acme Andersson About Leonard Cohen, Dolly Parton and Passover

2010-01-16T16:34:00.000-08:00

Scrog: i gotta go out and get some candy today
Acme: Oh yeah, who doesn't need candy?!
S: nobody of quality, that's for sure
A: Oh man, I forgot to tell you! I went to perhaps the greatest gathering of Jews over this entire holiday weekend! Leonard Cohen
S: spock?
A: That's Leonard Nimoy, and he was an alien of some sort, unaffiliated with the Hebrew types so far as I know.
S: oh, right
A: A Jew who doesn't even know who Leonard Cohen is. Terrible.
S: i am jew-ish
A: Young Dolly Parton did not have much of a rack.
S: c'mon
A: I've got her biography on. She wasn't flat, but she was not fully-blessed, as they say.
S: unpossible. speaking of being jewish, i had some fellow jew yesterday tell me i had passover all wrong.
A: Passover is all wrong, isn't it? What did you have wrong? Celebrating it?
S: i'm not sure. the only major point i could discern in his version was that i said it was 40 days in the desert, when it was actually 40 years
A: Either is too long for me. According to Wikipedia, Dolly had 40DD titties!
S: bless her heart. my blood-dr. pepper level is running a little low.
A: Open another 18-pack—stat!
S: but i haven't one!
A: Dude... What happened? You changed.
S: no, i just ran out.
A: Dolly says that when she took the role in 9 to 5 she had never seen a movie made and when they sent her the script she memorized the entire thing! That wacky Dolly.
S: i don't believe it
A: Hill folk are always memorizing entire screenplays. It's true! Dolly never lies.
S: ok. to the grocery for candy & soda.
A: Good luck.

Note to Universe

2009-09-22T22:04:00.000-07:00

Seeing as how the purpose of motor oil is to keep your engine properly lubricated, one would think it might serve just as well to lubricate other things, like your anus. Suffice it to say, there's a reason they don't call it "anus oil."

Incompetent Porn Review

2009-09-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

Seinfeld: A XXX Parody
New Sensations
by Pinnicus Weinerspitz

Seinfeld as all will remember is a hilarious show for the ages, that could be great material for a porn Parody as New Sensations clearly saw with this new release, entitled, Seinfeld: A XXX Parody, starring James Deen as Seinfeld himself (just perfect in tight jeans and a puffy Jew-fro) and Eric John as Crammer, plus all the rest of the gang.

And the Porn Nazi is here too! Played by Evan Stone, who won't give Elaina, Kristina Rose, her much needed porn that she keeps begging him for. Soon she gets back at the evil Porn Nazi, though, when she has a super hot lesbian porking in the back room with London Keyes.

Look out for Sasha Grey who stars in the porn that Kramer decides to make to get back at the Porn Nazi, and he joins right in with her and Sadie West.

Although hot, there's not alot of gufahs in this Parody for what it could be, compared to the real show itself, but they tried real hard, you could tell. So what we're really trying to say is, this is at the highest average.

Random Internet Image of the Day

2009-05-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

Newfound Appreciation for a Candy Classic

2009-04-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

The other night, I decided to pick up an assortment of candies at Walgreen's, since they regularly offer a variety of my favorites that you can mix and match at 3 for $3 and, well, I was there. In debating what three candies I would choose, I found myself suddenly enticed by Boston Baked Beans. I have no idea when the last time I ate Boston Baked Beans was, but I sort of remember not liking them much. This particular evening, however, they unexpectedly looked delectable to me, and so I got them. Boy, was that the single greatest decision I have ever made in my entire lifetime. For they are exquisite. I should have expected no less from Ferrara Pan, the ingenious makers of the Chewy Atomic FireBall.

The Porn Is Taking Over

2009-04-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

This is my office desk. If I suddenly go missing, please dispatch search party to the AVN building with porn shovel(s). And beer. Or if you like, just send the beer.

At Last, I'll Feel Totally Safe While I Sleep...

2009-04-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

...knowing the Marx Brothers are watching over me.

See the Magic

2009-04-18T17:46:00.000-07:00

What Scrog Is Thinking

2009-04-17T10:15:00.000-07:00

"Something in my chest feels gaseous. What the fuck. Is it from skipping my meds a day? From getting so little sleep the past two days? From smoking that cigar with James Deen and consuming copious amounts of alcohol in those same two days? From my disgusting diet every day? I can't function in this state. What do you take for chest gaseousness? What am I going to write about the XRCOs? What I'd really like to write is, 'It was noisy and now I feel like I have to fart, the end.' Ann Marie is so wonderful. Fucking car shit. When are they gonna invent beaming machines already? I have no sandwich meat and no transportation to obtain any. I need a five-day weekend. And some kind of medication for ... obsessive/acute scatter brain? The toilet nap! Now that's an idea worth exploring."

In the Spank Safe Deposit Box: Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez

2009-04-12T21:49:00.000-07:00

All I really know about these two is that they're on the Disney Channel and reportedly BFFs. I shouldn't even know that much, but I can't stop Seventeen magazine from appearing before my eyes in the grocery store checkout lane. I also can't help the fact that both are most obviously going to be declared "hot" by everyone under the sun the second it becomes socially acceptable to do so (i.e. upon their 18th birthdays). In the picture below, Lovato is the one on the left and Gomez is on the right. Both are 16. Enjoy!

A Chat With Acme Andersson About Jelly Beans and Continuing Education

2009-04-10T18:18:00.000-07:00

I've known Acme Andersson for some five-odd years now. (And if you don't know Acme, you don't know squat, I say, so I'll let you look him up on your own if that's the case. Also, I'm lazy.) Over those five-odd years, Acme and I have had many an epic IM chat. Some have been suitable for public display, others not. Here's one that was:

Scrog: guess what i just got in the mail
Acme: my butt
S: better
A: i don't know
A: a chicken
S: nope. Dr. Pepper flavored jelly beans!
A: i've had mr. pibb flavored, i liked those
A: you speak-a the hebrew?
S: not especially
S: i need no hebrew to get by.
A: well, it couldn't hurt. you never know when AVN will start publishing a Hebrew edition
S: good grief. this BTS I'm watching has three of the hottest chicks in the biz manhandling PA Nate's cock.
A: you should be a PA
A: SMC is $20/unit! that's crazy!
S: blimey!
A: and there's a carl's jr on campus!
S: it's like heaven!
A: indeed, it is dreamy to the struggling college student like myself
S: you going for a master's in hebraic studies?
A: well, i considered it. i think i'll start off w/ some general classes. maybe a film studies class and a business class or web design--so much to learn!
S: film studies...pshaw. the only way to study film is to watch as many of them as you can.
A: that's what they do
A: watch, discuss. i like watching and discussing hitchcock films.
S: yeah, but why shell out the dough to do that in a classroom?
A: i enjoy schooling
S: well, that makes one of us.
S: the school of life - that's where it's at, man.
A: this is part of it. it's school within life.
S: i see. you've gotten me on a technicality, you wily bastard.
A: thank you, university studies!

Note to Universe

2009-04-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

The Pringles can always struck me as a horribly designed packaging item, until I realized that if you fill one up with Silly Putty, it makes for the cheapest and awesomest imitation vagina you'll ever own. (And trust me, I've owned LOTS of 'em.)

Why Do I Keep Needing to Pee?

2009-04-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

I've been having to pee excessively today, and I don't know why. So I decided to go to the trusty internet and see if it could tell me. Here's what the internet came up with:

"To lose liquid that is not needed. If you don't pee, that liquid will stay in your body forever."

Thanks, internet! You're the greatest!

I Smell

2009-03-30T20:23:00.000-07:00

Because that's what happens when you exercise a flagrant disregard for bathing.

Another Candy Scrog Would Dip His Balls In

2009-03-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

Been meaning to put this up forever, but you know, I have a real job and stuff, and that wins out over blogging about candy. HOWEVER, in no way would I ever deign to diminish the importance of candy. So pay heed and dip your own balls one of these days in some delicious:

For Twits and Giggles

2009-03-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

Now see here — I have talked a whole lot of shit about Twitter, and I may or may not change my mind ever about its silliness STOP But I have been persuaded by a number of extremely hot chicks — much to my reluctance!! — to ease ever so slowly into taking part in the Twitter madness STOP I WILL NOT, however, AT ANY POINT begin employing the term "tweet" STOP If anything, I will instead be using "twit" END

Would You Rent From These People?

2009-03-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

This sign has been up outside an apartment building down the street from me for weeks. Wonder what they're charging? And whether they accept payment in American currency or livestock only?

What Scrog Is Thinking

2009-03-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

"Do lemon drops go bad? That box of DVDs probably shouldn't be on top of that ... what do you call one side of a cubicle? 'Tap That Tail Hole' — that's not a great title. Why hasn't Joanna answered my question yet about whether it's bbq chicken she's cooking? Where the fuck can I get some good bbq chicken for dinner? Oh, that kosher bbq place was pretty good. Wonder if H would be up for it. Gotta remember to bring two canned goods when I pick her up so we can get the $1 Ben & Jerry's. Wait, wait, it's all you can eat wing night at Hooters! Fuck yes. I am so ... godDAMMIT when am I gonna get this tax shit together? ... I can't sit here anymore. I'm leaving!!!! Right after I send this to Jenn Ramsey."

And The Scrog Blog Gets Another Facelift

2009-03-22T22:11:00.001-07:00

I just turned another age, so why shouldn't my blog go through a little change too? It should, I say. Took me a good number of hours to get it how I wanted it, but now I approve. Note the shiny links to some other sites of which I approve, right over there ------>.

Not So Random Internet Image of the Day

2009-03-18T22:24:00.001-07:00

Celeste — the awesome Digital Playground director — left this as a comment for me today on MySpace:

Random Internet Image of the Day

2009-03-17T22:28:00.000-07:00

Joanna Angel + Sasha Grey + Me = Good Times

2009-03-10T09:58:00.000-07:00

Surfacing of an Unsettling Relic: Wetscrog, Just One of the (Frat) Guys

2009-02-10T21:21:00.000-08:00

Thanks, Facebook. The wife of one of my pledge brothers from Tau Epsilon Phi fraternity recently posted the picture below of the five of us circa our pledge semester ... 15 ass-reaming years ago. No wonder I've been called Peter Pan my whole fragnabbin' life — I'm the spitting image of goddamn Mary Martin! (At least I was then, apparently.)

Who's Bein' Cute Now, Motherfucker?

2009-02-01T12:07:00.000-08:00

The always delightful Stoya (of AVN Best New Starlet '09 infamy) sent me this in response to the picture in the post below:

Redundancy of the Day

2009-01-29T20:58:00.000-08:00

"The Female Vagina"

The Official Cutest Thing Ever

2009-01-16T09:22:00.000-08:00

OK, I know that headline reads a little gay, but let me explain: I was chatting yesterday with the newly-crowned AVN Female Performer of the Year, Jenna Haze, who told me at one point in the conversation that her dog was the cutest thing ever. Feeling pretty confident that no matter how cute her dog may be, there surely was something out there of superior cuteness, I Googled "cutest thing ever" and found this:

Yeah, still pretty gay, huh? Go fuck yerself, then.

A First

2008-12-19T10:41:00.000-08:00

This morning, I actually slept through my alarm clock. I always thought I was completely incapable of this, but now I've learned otherwise, much to my chagrin. Here's the exact internal dialogue that went through my head as I came to this realization in my mostly still-slumbering state: "Did my alarm go off already and I totally slept through it? No way. But it does seem like it should have gone off by now. Nah, I'm imagining things. Still, I feel like I heard it go off, and now I don't hear it. Did I dream that? I should check. No, no, no, I'm just being paranoid, I'm sure it's about to go off and I'll be telling myself, 'See, told you so.' But I really should check just to be sure. Only then I'll see that it's like a minute from going off and be pissed at myself for throwing away that extra minute of lying here all toasty and asleep. ... What would be worse, though, losing that extra minute of toasty asleepedness, or continuing to just snooze away and finding out later that not only did I sleep through my alarm clock, but way, way past it, making me much later for work than I'm already going to be? Oh, shut up, you're being retarded, there's no way you slept all the way through an entire hour of alarm. Yeah, I don't know, I realllly ought to check. OK, OK, I'm checking."

[Pause ... checking ...]

"Fuck."

(Ed. note: That's probably not the exact dialogue the went through my head, but pretty damn close.)

There's No 'I' in Wii! Wait...

2008-12-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Dec. 14, 2008 — my father's birthday, as a matter of fact — a magical event long in the coming transpired: my roommate Heidi brought a Nintendo Wii into my life. I don't think it being my father's birthday had anything to do with it (though who knows ... Heidi works in mysterious ways), but I pretty much had to include that seeing as how it's yesterday I'm talking about, here. Anyway, this may just do it for me and the outside world, folks. It was fun while it lasted. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in Heidi's room playing Guitar Hero World Tour. Indefinitely. (Anyone know if the Wii does taxes?)

Get a Massage From This Chick, Help the Children

2008-12-05T17:12:00.000-08:00

It's Friday night. Surely, there is nothing better you could do with yourself tonight than go to Yoga Groove in North Hollywood and get a massage while enjoying live music and knowing you are helping the children. The children of Children's Hospital, to be exact. C'mon, there'll be healthy food and raffles, too. You could win stuff from Lululemon, Beach Yoga Jewelry and other places where they probably play lots of Enya. Plus, I'll be there. And where Scrog goes, fun follows, as I just decided will from this point forward be my personal slogan (patent pending). Oh yeah, the details:

Time: 7:30 - 10:30 p.m.
Address: 10503 Magnolia Blvd.
Admission: $10 and an unwrapped kids' toy. Stuff you got out of a McDonald's Happy Meal is not acceptable.

I Have a Cap'n Crunch Lodged in My Throat

2008-09-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

Well, it's actually an imitation Cap'n Crunch — the Ralphs knock-off brand, known as Crisp Crunch, which I bought because of being a cheap Jew bastard — but it looks and tastes the same, and is every bit as irritating in its current location somewhere just beyond my uvula. I gagged on it a little, see, because it started going down the wrong way, and it was just on that brink where I could have spat it back out if I acted quick enough, but instead I swallowed, and now it's stuck in Wrong Way Town. This is a bitch. DAMN YOU, YOU CAP'N CRUNCH IMPOSTOR!!!!!!!!!! If you were the real Cap'n Crunch, you would have no doubt navigated your way down the correct corridor without any problem. Got a scalpal? Or at least a bottle of whiskey? Maybe if I drink myself into oblivion, I can just puke you up. Now that's using the ol' noggin'!

Get a Massage From This Chick, Help the Soldiers

2008-09-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

Heidi (that chick in the picture, a.k.a. my apartment mate) is studying to become a massage therapist. Tomorrow, she will be giving free massages to any interested parties at a fundraising event for soldiers in North Hollywood. Specifically, at a place called Karate 4 Kids. (That's cute how they use the numeral "4" instead of the word "for." Wonder if they have a sister establishment called "Karate 4 Adults"?) In keeping with the locale, there will be a bounce house set up for kids to bounce around in. And you know what they'll probably be needing after all that bouncing? Oh, you got it: a massage from Heidi.

The whole shebang happens from 12:30 to 5 p.m., and the address is: 5215 Bakman Ave., North Hollywood, 91601. For more info, go over here.

(photo courtesy of jasmineazure.com)

The Scrog Blog Gets Slightly Made Over

2008-09-20T09:36:00.000-07:00

I have spent a few days giving this blog a new look. It's not terribly different from the old look, but it's not the same, either. It's all about the colors. The colors, children ... flaaaayvin. Picking colors is hard, I find. There's just so many of them. But I think I'm happy with these ones. Hope they instill in you, as they do in me, a nice, warm, Halloweeny feeling.

Land Shark Attack Bulletin ... ?

2008-09-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

Land Shark is a person in my life who plagues my very existence with relentless comments and actions that take great, big, gaping bites out of my soul. My log of LS's latest strike:

OK, so I really have no grounds at all to think Land Shark had anything to do with this, but it seems enough like a Land Shark-y thing to at least be behind for me to feel warranted in casting my suspicion that way. I go out to my car one morning to leave for work, right, and I bring with me a bag of garbage to toss out before I get on my way. Well upon walking back from the dumpster toward my car, I see the gigantic dent pictured below above my right rear wheel. And directly in the center of the dent (as you will see in the second picture) is a big, solitary footprint. So somebody, it seems, kicked this dent in my car. Does Land Shark know where I live? Could be. Might LS or an LS crony have loosed this angry booting unto my vehicle in the AVN parking lot while no one was looking, to only first be discovered by me much later? Also could be. Either way, if anyone recognizes the footprint ... uh, then you've got bigger issues than me with this dent, I imagine.

I Crack Me Up

2008-09-10T09:20:00.000-07:00

Had this exchange with Bree Olson the other day when she was at the AVN office promoting Adam & Eve/Zero Tolerance's Roller Dollz:

Bree: I can't take working in a cubicle all day. That's what drove me to porn.
Me: Interesting. I'm just the opposite — porn is what drove me to working in a cubicle.

God, that's rich.

(photo by Gia Jordan)

Note to Universe

2008-09-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

I just don't see how it's sanitary to scrub the gunk off your teeth with the same instrument over and over again. Do you wipe your ass with the same piece of toilet paper more than once? This is the reason I soak my toothbrush — and my toilet paper — in pure grain alcohol.

Happy Birthday KK!!

2008-08-28T19:06:00.001-07:00

Today is my great pal Kimberly Kane's birthday. Everybody go to her MySpace and say HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU FRICKIN' SEXY LADY!!! Exactly like that. Just copy and paste it from here if you like.

M u a h!

myspace.com/kanearmy

Van Nuys' Beauty Center: The Place for All Your Tomato and Leg Waxing Needs

2008-08-24T18:36:00.000-07:00

Heidi and I came across this establishment last weekend. What else is there to say, really?

Star Wars/Woody Day

2008-08-15T08:21:00.000-07:00

Today marks a red letter occurrence in the movie dweeb-o-sphere that I don't think has ever transpired before: The simultaneous debuts of a new Star Wars film and a new Woody Allen film.

For certain, the two have only happened within the same year only six times, the very first of which established that year, 1977, as the one I will probably always regard as film's greatest. Star Wars and Annie Hall were the two movies in question, and I've always said that had I been old enough at the time to ... well, see movies at all, let alone appreciate them, my head may very well have just exploded and now I'd be walking around with little to no head.

Annie Hall, for a little extra movie trivia, went on to win Best Picture that year, angering many teenage boys and grown men with the developmental inner beings of teenage boys, but truly the proper choice, I believe, if I absolutely had to be nailed down to one.

So the releases today of Star Wars: The Clone Wars and Vicky Cristina Barcelona don't quite present the same dilemma as above, nor bode the same significance. In fact, Clone Wars seems almost like something I have to go watch purely out of fanboy obligation, rather than actual anticipation. But watch it I will, sometime this weekend. Vicky Cristina Barcelona is what I will go see tonight, and that one, I'm genuinely excited about. Doesn't hurt that Scarlett Johansson and Penélope Cruz star in it.

By the way, there's an interview with Woody Allen in the new LA Weekly, if that intrigues you at all.

Kimberly Kane Weaning Herself Off the Cell

2008-08-14T10:21:00.000-07:00

My great pal Kimberly Kane informed me the other day that she is trying to avoid using her cell phone as much as possible, out of concern over the long-circulated theory that they can give you brain cancer. We got on the topic, actually, because I passingly asked her at one point to give me a sec while I got off my Bluetooth (yeah, I converted for the July 1 law) and she incredulously remarked, "You use Bluetooth in your house?!"

She went on to propose to me the conjecture that a Bluetooth headset may actually be worse for you than the cell phone itself, because it goes in your ear and is that much closer to your brain. I hadn't considered this, so I decided to do a little research and find out if, in fact, I may be engaging in the modern day equivalent of smokers in the '50s laughing at the notion that cigarettes were any more dangerous to you than lollipops.

The most conclusive answer I could find to that question was that there has been no conclusion. This is due primarily to the fact that cell phones — and especially Bluetooth headsets — are such a young technology, it is impossible at this point to have evaluated their long-term effects.

This June 6 article from Sci-Tech Today.com said that a) both the American Cancer Society and the FDA have dismissed any connection between cell phones and cancer and b) the radiation emitted by cell phones is "too weak to break chemical bonds or to set off the DNA damage known to cause cancer."

But then I found this awesome diatribe posted July 31 on AnswerBag.com under the topic "Can blue tooth cuase brain cancer?" (<---Copied verbatim--->): "Yes. Save yourselves from the worldwide government conspiracy to create a delayed kill off of large #s of people for the sake of population control. 20 years from now, people will die off in droves. The governments involved believe they will be bringing Mother Earth back into balance. Low power RF injection to the brain is just the ticket."

Maybe KK is on to something ... but I choose to throw caution to the wind and continue my usage of the Bluetooth regardless, for it is cool.

Joanna, Angel of Massage (or Where the FuckIs the Stupid, Ass-tarded Burbank Airport?)

2008-08-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

Sunday night, I had three things I had to do: Get as close to done as possible putting together all the reviews for the September issue of AVN, pick up Joanna Angel from the Burbank airport, and wrangle *a* porn star for my roommate, Heidi Joy Pike, to use in a video presentation about massages she had due Monday at her massage school.

Now, it really made no difference to Heidi what porn star I got; any would do. And originally, I had recruited my great pal Kimberly Kane to do it, but here's what happened there: She wanted to do it in the afternoon, but Joanna, see, was due in to Burbank at 5:00, and I didn't want to get stuck having to desert Kimberly in order to go fetch Joanna ... or, conversely, not show up for Joanna because I was tending to Kimberly.

Only problem was, Joanna had mentioned when last I'd heard from her that she thought her plane might get delayed. In fact, it had already been delayed a few hours, having first been scheduled to arrive at 2:00, which would have caused no problems for anybody. Well, 5:00 came and went, and I had gotten no further word from Ms. Joanna, nor did her phone seem to be on, and I took this to mean that yes, her plane had gotten delayed a little further, but she was in the air, and would probably be arriving soon.

So I went about working on the AVN reviews, thinking that if I lost Kimberly for the massage video because it was heading into evening already, no biggie, I had a backup in the form of Joanna. Since Kimberly had already agreed to do it, however, and had in fact received a massage from Heidi the night before as pre-payment for her appearance in the video, once it got to be about 7, I started thinking, fuck it, this thing is gonna take a whole five minutes to shoot, and if Joanna suddenly shows up during, she can wait. And literally as I was reaching for my phone to call Kimberly, a text message came in from her asking, "When should I come over?"

"How about now?" I replied, and waited to see what she said, but no response came. I figured, hmm, guess she's just gonna come on over, then, and kept working on the reviews. Shortly thereafter, Heidi IM'd me from the next room (yeah, I got nothin') asking if I wanted to go get a burger. I said we should hold on a bit, as I thought Kimberly was possibly on her way to do the video. By about 8:30, though, there was still no Kimberly, so I picked up the phone and actually called her. And she was upset.

"I am so mad at you right now!" she exclaimed in my ear, elaborating that she didn't understand why I had waited until so late to call her, when she had made herself so available in the afternoon, and now she didn't know if she could come do it, and was going to look like a big asshole because she had already gotten a massage from Heidi and was seemingly flaking.

"Hey, don't worry about it, no big deal!" I told her, but she would hear nothing of it. I told her I would take the blame for her not showing if she so decided, and she said she would see how she felt after she ate dinner, and that was that. So I went and explained the situation to Heidi, told her not to worry, I would get Joanna to do the video, and all would be well. Then we went and got burgers.

Skip ahead to around 10:00, I'm still working on reviews, and on my IM buddy list, I suddenly see Joanna's "mobile hiptop" ID pop up, and I immediately call her. She says she has just landed, and I don't have to come get her if I don't want to, because it's so late. I tell her screw that noise, I'm coming to get her.

I hop in my car and head to Burbank. Now I've been to the Burbank airport plenty of times, and have a general idea of where it is, but it has proven slightly tricky to find in the past. And I don't know that I've ever gone there at night, which for whatever reason can distort your sense of direction (or mine, anyway). So I'm driving in the general direction I believe the Burbank airport to be, and getting somehow steered into areas I know it to definitely not be. Soon I find myself right back where I started, and begin heading again in the same direction as before, only this time I decide to stop at a gas station and ask where it is precisely.

I pull up beside this woman with a broom, and she gives me the stinkeye, like I somehow fucked up what she was doing. I back up a little and see that she is sweeping up this pile of dirt in the spot I pulled into. Whatever, I roll down the window and ask if she can direct me to the airport.

"Oh, I'm not sure, I'm not from around here," she tells me, then turns and calls to somebody around the corner of the shop. She turns back, points me in that directions and says, "He'll tell you."

I drive forward a bit, and see a dude squatting down, fiddling with some hoses or something.

"Can you tell me where the airport is?" I call to him. He gets up and responds, "Which airport?"

"The Burbank airport," I say, a little befuddled that he would ask. He points me down the street the gas station faces, Buena Vista, and tells me, oh it's right down there, take a left, follow the signs, you can't miss it.

Fair enough, I think, and head on down Buena Vista. I should note that at no point thus far have I seen any airport signs, and you'd think there'd be a few posted around the neighborhood, but no matter, I must be close.

Just then, Joanna calls me, asking where I am. I'm almost there, I tell her, and she says, "Oh, OK, then I'll stand up."

Well, somehow or other Buena Vista leads me right onto the fucking FREEWAY and I'm wondering if the dude at the gas station had no idea what he was talking about, or pointed me in the wrong direction, or I didn't understand him or what, but now I'm doing this gigantic loop-around to get back headed the right way.

A bit later, I stop at a second gas station. Joanna calls me again as I pull in. "Where are you?" she frets, and I tell her to hang on, I somehow got turned around, but I'm getting directions.

I go up to the bulletproof window with the attendant behind it, and ask him through the little sliding cash drawer opening how I get to the airport.

"Which airport?" he asks, and I seriously begin questioning to myself whether I'm actually stuck in a never-ending frustration dream, as I've long suspected, or the people of Burbank are as unclear about the location of their airport as I am, or perhaps there's a second, even smaller airport in Burbank that I'm totally unaware of.

"The Burbank airport," I specify to the guy, and he gives me directions, and I get back on with Joanna and tell her to sit tight, I think I'm on the right track now.

Minutes later, I arrive at the godforsaken Burbank airport, and inform Joanna of such. She says she's waiting at the first terminal you come to, and there's a long line of cars backed up to that terminal, so I kind of go around them and pull up to the first available spot. Then she tells me that she's actually standing before that — literally at the very first spot a person can possibly stand to be picked up. I crane my neck to see if I can locate her, but I can't, so I proceed to loop around once more and wait in the line of backed up cars to pull up to the designated spot.

And there she is.

It's now about 11:00. She's tired, I'm tired, and I still have to drive across the Valley to drop her off and then halfway back again to my place. But Heidi's video presentation is still due the next day, and still not shot. I'm dreading it, but I have no other option than to ask Joanna if she'd be willing to stop off on the way home to help me out with this thing. I do, and she agrees, happily (thank Christ).

Well, we shot the video, it actually did take no more than about five minutes, Joanna was great, and Heidi got an A+. I finished up all the AVN review assembling Monday morning, and as soon as I did, the most amazing sensation of colossal stress lifting off my body just washed through me.

The moral of this story? I continue, as I always have, to hate Sundays.

The Scrog Blog Lives On

2008-08-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

For a brief time there, I thought I had a new outlet for the sorts of things I'd been doing here, in the form of the AVN Blog. But that was given the kaibosh by the powers that be, and so this will now return to being the place for those things.

To mark the occasion, I give you a hot picture of Natalie Portman:

I Have No Time

2008-06-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

I would love to do each and every one of those things that all of you would like for me to do right now, but I'm sorry, there's just no time. So until my schedule frees up, here is a picture of a camel:

Note to Universe

2008-05-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

There are two things you must possess in order to create good art: A vision, number one, and then some sort of an art kit, or at least some crayons or a little Play-Doh or something. In addition, the vision shouldn't suck.

The Awesomest Candy Ever

2008-05-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have discovered it, and in the most unlikely of places: Circuit City. I went to Circuit City, which I despise but will visit as a last resort, in search of a dirt-cheap microwave. And near the microwaves was a candy aisle, where what to my delighted eyes sat staring up at me but something called Chewy Atomic FireBalls, from Ferrara Pan. (Hmm, just hit me — is this where Manuel Ferrara got his name?)

Those of my generation (and perhaps later, don't really know) ought to recall the Atomic FireBall, a jawbreaker-type candy so explosively hot, it verged on dangerous to go through one in a single sucking. Well, the Chewy Atomic FireBall is every bit as hot, but only takes a few seconds to consume. Like Red Hots but softer, hotter and awesomer. I highly recommend them.

If you'd like to try Chewy Atomic FireBalls, but don't feel like patronizing Circuit City (which you really shouldn't if at all possible), you can order some directly from the Ferrara Pan website. Oh, and they're making Chewy Lemon Heads now, too, if you're into that sort of thing.

A Poem

2008-05-23T23:48:00.000-07:00

I hate dickheads
I hate them a whole bunch
When a dickhead talks to me
I want to toss my lunch

Dickheads make me angry
They really harsh my chi
It makes me smile inside
To picture dousing them with pee

I just don't like you, dickheads
Perhaps it mightn't be so
If only you could help yourself
From being choads who blow

I'm sorry, all you dickheads
I guess I don't blame you
If I sucked such fat balls in life
I'd be a dickhead too

I Have Seen the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008-05-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

Actually, I literally have, seeing as how said Kingdom is supposed to be located in Peru, and I once spent a month in Peru. But what I'm really trying to say here is that yes, I saw the new Indiana Jones through one of those sweet, sweet opportunities my mainstream critic connections sometimes still afford me. I saw it, in fact, on the Paramount Pictures lot, which made it all the more awesome. This was Sunday afternoon. It kicked ass. Some of those I was with weren't all that enthralled with it, but if you ask me, it's classic Indy. I will spoil it no further. Go to your midnight shows tonight and have a blast. Just remember that by then I will have seen it over three days ago at the studio putting it out, and therefore am at least as cool as Harry Knowles. (Though I'm pretty sure cooler, if I may be so bold.)

I Haven't Showered in Two Days

2008-05-16T16:56:00.000-07:00

Not bragging or anything, but yeah, yesterday I was just too damn tired to take a shower before work, and today I actually overslept, so couldn't have done it even if I wanted to. And I'm still this fucking hot.

(I do plan to take one this evening before I go hang out at Belladonna's house, though, because showing up there unwashed would just be boorish.)

Please God, Tell Me Ron Jeremy Didn't Pork My Mom

2008-05-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

OK, on Saturday night, I went to this pretty rad party that Matt Zane invited me to thrown by current Hustler cover girl Jayme Langford for her girlfriend Alexandra Ivy's birthday at their house. Sometime close to midnight, who strolled in but Ron Jeremy. I found this interestingly coincidental, because not two days earlier, my mom had phoned me up to tell me she'd just heard him on the radio in my hometown of Charlotte, N.C.

Well, I went up and engaged Ron in a little small talk, during which I said to him, "So I heard you were just in my hometown." "Where's that?" he asked. "Charlotte," I said, to which he replied, "Yeah! How'd you know that?"

"My mom called me up ..." I began, and he jumped in with, "Oh, god! That was your mom?!"

Now here's the troubling part: The following morning — Mother's Day, to be precise — I made the obligatory Mother's Day call to her, and figured, what the hell, I'll share the story, we'll both have a good chuckle. So I did, and she responded not with a "ha ha" but with one of those kind of nervous "heh ... heh"s that tell you either this person doesn't get the humor here or you've just inadvertently busted them on something they didn't expect you to.

I'm going to presume the former and go on with my life as if this series of events never occurred.

Land Shark Attack Bulletin

2008-05-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

Land Shark is a person in my life who plagues my very existence with relentless comments and actions that take great, big, gaping bites out of my soul. My log of LS's latest strike:

So I review Zombie Strippers for AVN, and Land Shark hits me up on IM with: "Jenna still got her big, fake air balloon tits in that movie?" She does, I confirm, and LS continues, "So she's naked through the whole thing?" "Pretty much," I say, and LS shoots back, "Well, proof once again you can take the slut out of the Valley, but you can't take the whore out of the slut." A couple moments later: "Man, too bad she lost those freighters. They were the one thing she really had going for her."

Under Spank Bank Consideration: Kate Voegele

2008-05-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know much about this chick aside from having seen her picture continuously pop up on MySpace, and, after continuously wondering to myself, "Who is this seemingly hot chick?" finally clicking on one of said pictures and finding out that she has an album on the way from MySpace Records and was/perhaps still is on the show "One Tree Hill." As those who know me know, I have a bad, bad thing for brunettes who play guitar (see: Michelle Branch, who it seems worked with one of Ms. Voegele's songwriting collaborators, eerily enough).

Now I've looked through a number of this Voegele girl's pictures and videos, and can't quite decide whether she's spank-worthy. In some, she totally seems so, and in others, she appears a little Mayim Bialik-ish. So I just don't know. The Spank Bank is a place of unrivaled exclusivity, after all. I'm gonna need more time on this.

The First-Ever I.N.E.P.T. Award

2008-05-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

Recognizing Inordinately Noteworthy Excellence in Porn Titling

I came across this title while doing the AVN charts yesterday, and was so struck by it, I felt the need to create a new award in its honor. And so I now present the inaugural I.N.E.P.T. Award to:

White Ghetto Films' I Was 18 50 Years Ago

Congratulations, White Ghetto Films, on behalf of all of me at The Scrog Blog.

Land Shark Attack Bulletin

2008-04-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

Land Shark is a person in my life who plagues my very existence with relentless comments and actions that take great, big, gaping bites out of my soul. My log of LS's latest strike:

So Land Shark finds out that I'm reviewing Kimberly Kane's new directorial effort, Morphine, and asks what I think of it. "It's incredible," I say, to which LS replies, "Figures." I shrug, and LS blurts out, "Pardon me if I question her genius 'directing' talents," throwing up finger quotation marks. "The only thing that whore's ever directed is a cock into her asshole." A second later: "She do anal in it?" Me: "No." LS: "Pft. Worthless. Hey, mind if I have some of your Twizzlers?"