Newfound Appreciation for a Candy Classic

The other night, I decided to pick up an assortment of candies at Walgreen's, since they regularly offer a variety of my favorites that you can mix and match at 3 for $3 and, well, I was there. In debating what three candies I would choose, I found myself suddenly enticed by Boston Baked Beans. I have no idea when the last time I ate Boston Baked Beans was, but I sort of remember not liking them much. This particular evening, however, they unexpectedly looked delectable to me, and so I got them. Boy, was that the single greatest decision I have ever made in my entire lifetime. For they are exquisite. I should have expected no less from Ferrara Pan, the ingenious makers of the Chewy Atomic FireBall.

The Porn Is Taking Over

This is my office desk. If I suddenly go missing, please dispatch search party to the AVN building with porn shovel(s). And beer. Or if you like, just send the beer.

At Last, I'll Feel Totally Safe While I Sleep...

...knowing the Marx Brothers are watching over me.

See the Magic

What Scrog Is Thinking

"Something in my chest feels gaseous. What the fuck. Is it from skipping my meds a day? From getting so little sleep the past two days? From smoking that cigar with James Deen and consuming copious amounts of alcohol in those same two days? From my disgusting diet every day? I can't function in this state. What do you take for chest gaseousness? What am I going to write about the XRCOs? What I'd really like to write is, 'It was noisy and now I feel like I have to fart, the end.' Ann Marie is so wonderful. Fucking car shit. When are they gonna invent beaming machines already? I have no sandwich meat and no transportation to obtain any. I need a five-day weekend. And some kind of medication for ... obsessive/acute scatter brain? The toilet nap! Now that's an idea worth exploring."

In the Spank Safe Deposit Box: Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez

All I really know about these two is that they're on the Disney Channel and reportedly BFFs. I shouldn't even know that much, but I can't stop Seventeen magazine from appearing before my eyes in the grocery store checkout lane. I also can't help the fact that both are most obviously going to be declared "hot" by everyone under the sun the second it becomes socially acceptable to do so (i.e. upon their 18th birthdays). In the picture below, Lovato is the one on the left and Gomez is on the right. Both are 16. Enjoy!

A Chat With Acme Andersson About Jelly Beans and Continuing Education

I've known Acme Andersson for some five-odd years now. (And if you don't know Acme, you don't know squat, I say, so I'll let you look him up on your own if that's the case. Also, I'm lazy.) Over those five-odd years, Acme and I have had many an epic IM chat. Some have been suitable for public display, others not. Here's one that was:

Scrog: guess what i just got in the mail
Acme: my butt
S: better
A: i don't know
A: a chicken
S: nope. Dr. Pepper flavored jelly beans!
A: i've had mr. pibb flavored, i liked those
A: you speak-a the hebrew?
S: not especially
S: i need no hebrew to get by.
A: well, it couldn't hurt. you never know when AVN will start publishing a Hebrew edition
S: good grief. this BTS I'm watching has three of the hottest chicks in the biz manhandling PA Nate's cock.
A: you should be a PA
A: SMC is $20/unit! that's crazy!
S: blimey!
A: and there's a carl's jr on campus!
S: it's like heaven!
A: indeed, it is dreamy to the struggling college student like myself
S: you going for a master's in hebraic studies?
A: well, i considered it. i think i'll start off w/ some general classes. maybe a film studies class and a business class or web design--so much to learn!
S: film studies...pshaw. the only way to study film is to watch as many of them as you can.
A: that's what they do
A: watch, discuss. i like watching and discussing hitchcock films.
S: yeah, but why shell out the dough to do that in a classroom?
A: i enjoy schooling
S: well, that makes one of us.
S: the school of life - that's where it's at, man.
A: this is part of it. it's school within life.
S: i see. you've gotten me on a technicality, you wily bastard.
A: thank you, university studies!

Note to Universe

The Pringles can always struck me as a horribly designed packaging item, until I realized that if you fill one up with Silly Putty, it makes for the cheapest and awesomest imitation vagina you'll ever own. (And trust me, I've owned LOTS of 'em.)

Why Do I Keep Needing to Pee?

I've been having to pee excessively today, and I don't know why. So I decided to go to the trusty internet and see if it could tell me. Here's what the internet came up with:

"To lose liquid that is not needed. If you don't pee, that liquid will stay in your body forever."

Thanks, internet! You're the greatest!