Note to Universe

There are two things you must possess in order to create good art: A vision, number one, and then some sort of an art kit, or at least some crayons or a little Play-Doh or something. In addition, the vision shouldn't suck.

The Awesomest Candy Ever

Yes, I have discovered it, and in the most unlikely of places: Circuit City. I went to Circuit City, which I despise but will visit as a last resort, in search of a dirt-cheap microwave. And near the microwaves was a candy aisle, where what to my delighted eyes sat staring up at me but something called Chewy Atomic FireBalls, from Ferrara Pan. (Hmm, just hit me — is this where Manuel Ferrara got his name?)

Those of my generation (and perhaps later, don't really know) ought to recall the Atomic FireBall, a jawbreaker-type candy so explosively hot, it verged on dangerous to go through one in a single sucking. Well, the Chewy Atomic FireBall is every bit as hot, but only takes a few seconds to consume. Like Red Hots but softer, hotter and awesomer. I highly recommend them.

If you'd like to try Chewy Atomic FireBalls, but don't feel like patronizing Circuit City (which you really shouldn't if at all possible), you can order some directly from the Ferrara Pan website. Oh, and they're making Chewy Lemon Heads now, too, if you're into that sort of thing.

A Poem

I hate dickheads
I hate them a whole bunch
When a dickhead talks to me
I want to toss my lunch

Dickheads make me angry
They really harsh my chi
It makes me smile inside
To picture dousing them with pee

I just don't like you, dickheads
Perhaps it mightn't be so
If only you could help yourself
From being choads who blow

I'm sorry, all you dickheads
I guess I don't blame you
If I sucked such fat balls in life
I'd be a dickhead too

I Have Seen the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Actually, I literally have, seeing as how said Kingdom is supposed to be located in Peru, and I once spent a month in Peru. But what I'm really trying to say here is that yes, I saw the new Indiana Jones through one of those sweet, sweet opportunities my mainstream critic connections sometimes still afford me. I saw it, in fact, on the Paramount Pictures lot, which made it all the more awesome. This was Sunday afternoon. It kicked ass. Some of those I was with weren't all that enthralled with it, but if you ask me, it's classic Indy. I will spoil it no further. Go to your midnight shows tonight and have a blast. Just remember that by then I will have seen it over three days ago at the studio putting it out, and therefore am at least as cool as Harry Knowles. (Though I'm pretty sure cooler, if I may be so bold.)

I Haven't Showered in Two Days

Not bragging or anything, but yeah, yesterday I was just too damn tired to take a shower before work, and today I actually overslept, so couldn't have done it even if I wanted to. And I'm still this fucking hot.

(I do plan to take one this evening before I go hang out at Belladonna's house, though, because showing up there unwashed would just be boorish.)

Please God, Tell Me Ron Jeremy Didn't Pork My Mom

OK, on Saturday night, I went to this pretty rad party that Matt Zane invited me to thrown by current Hustler cover girl Jayme Langford for her girlfriend Alexandra Ivy's birthday at their house. Sometime close to midnight, who strolled in but Ron Jeremy. I found this interestingly coincidental, because not two days earlier, my mom had phoned me up to tell me she'd just heard him on the radio in my hometown of Charlotte, N.C.

Well, I went up and engaged Ron in a little small talk, during which I said to him, "So I heard you were just in my hometown." "Where's that?" he asked. "Charlotte," I said, to which he replied, "Yeah! How'd you know that?"

"My mom called me up ..." I began, and he jumped in with, "Oh, god! That was your mom?!"

Now here's the troubling part: The following morning — Mother's Day, to be precise — I made the obligatory Mother's Day call to her, and figured, what the hell, I'll share the story, we'll both have a good chuckle. So I did, and she responded not with a "ha ha" but with one of those kind of nervous "heh ... heh"s that tell you either this person doesn't get the humor here or you've just inadvertently busted them on something they didn't expect you to.

I'm going to presume the former and go on with my life as if this series of events never occurred.

Land Shark Attack Bulletin

Land Shark is a person in my life who plagues my very existence with relentless comments and actions that take great, big, gaping bites out of my soul. My log of LS's latest strike:

So I review Zombie Strippers for AVN, and Land Shark hits me up on IM with: "Jenna still got her big, fake air balloon tits in that movie?" She does, I confirm, and LS continues, "So she's naked through the whole thing?" "Pretty much," I say, and LS shoots back, "Well, proof once again you can take the slut out of the Valley, but you can't take the whore out of the slut." A couple moments later: "Man, too bad she lost those freighters. They were the one thing she really had going for her."

Under Spank Bank Consideration: Kate Voegele

I don't know much about this chick aside from having seen her picture continuously pop up on MySpace, and, after continuously wondering to myself, "Who is this seemingly hot chick?" finally clicking on one of said pictures and finding out that she has an album on the way from MySpace Records and was/perhaps still is on the show "One Tree Hill." As those who know me know, I have a bad, bad thing for brunettes who play guitar (see: Michelle Branch, who it seems worked with one of Ms. Voegele's songwriting collaborators, eerily enough).

Now I've looked through a number of this Voegele girl's pictures and videos, and can't quite decide whether she's spank-worthy. In some, she totally seems so, and in others, she appears a little Mayim Bialik-ish. So I just don't know. The Spank Bank is a place of unrivaled exclusivity, after all. I'm gonna need more time on this.

The First-Ever I.N.E.P.T. Award

Recognizing Inordinately Noteworthy Excellence in Porn Titling

I came across this title while doing the AVN charts yesterday, and was so struck by it, I felt the need to create a new award in its honor. And so I now present the inaugural I.N.E.P.T. Award to:


White Ghetto Films' I Was 18 50 Years Ago

Congratulations, White Ghetto Films, on behalf of all of me at The Scrog Blog.