~Ramblings, tidbits and other poppycock from AVN's Peter 'Wetscrog Rex' Warren~

Sunday, August 16, 2015

A Tale of Two Natalies

Today I had an unsettling realization. I can't believe it never dawned on me until now, but I'll go ahead and attribute that to my aversion to any thoughts regarding my father's sexual predilections. Nevertheless, like an unwelcome granny porn pop-up ad, suddenly this morning it hit me: My dad always made it pretty well known that growing up he had the hots for Natalie Wood ... and as every single person who's ever met me knows very well, I have burned a torch since pretty much the day I laid eyes on her for Natalie Portman. Yes, the all-time #1 spank queens for my dad and myself are both Natalies. And both brunette. Like father like son. I really need to get back into therapy.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

It's National Hot Dog Day

I am not the biggest hot dog eater in the world, but I do occasionally enjoy one. Only with chili, though, do not give me any non-chili waste of a bunned meat tube. Anyway, since it has been declared National Hot Dog Day by somebody or other, I guess I'd like to eat one later. For dinner probably. Or maybe two. Somebody go eat hot dogs with me. Oh! Maybe I'll try that funky hot dog spot by my apartment I've been wanting to try. C'mon! It's a nationally sanctioned holiday!

I am going to be eating hot dogs alone, aren't I? Like so many time before.

Monday, July 13, 2015

What It's Like Being 40

I'm a few months into being 40, and I can honestly say it is the worst thing ever. Being 40 feels like having been dealt life's ultimate kick to the balls. And on top of that it is officially almost the one-year mark of the day-in-day-out mental trauma I have suffered over That Thing I Saw on Facebook. Dating prospects are nil. I am forever the emperor of the Friend Zone. I am tired all the time. I feel completely disconnected from others my age. I have never seen that movie This Is 40, but from what I know of it, it bears no resemblance to my life whatsoever. I still relate most to Annie Hall, which is especially significant at the moment since Alvy Singer has just turned 40 in the movie ... but even there, the part that resonates with me most of all is the Groucho Marx quote "I would never want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." The rest of it is really nothing like my existence. I have certainly never attempted to cook lobsters. To a certain extent, I identify with The 40-Year-Old Virgin. No, I am not a virgin. But sometimes it feels like I might as well be. My apartment is infested with crickets and I don't know how to get rid of them. My shower has a leak that steadily gets worse and worse and I don't know what to do about that either. With a precious few exceptions, most of the people in my life disappoint me on a regular basis. But I have deeply ingrained separation anxiety so I keep them around. I have a good job that I love, so I am extremely grateful for that. But it's a job that makes navigating my non-work life all the more difficult. I don't really know that I have a non-work life, to be honest. I do, however, have skin problems that nothing seems to solve, so good times. What can I say? My mind is hemorrhaging. I wish pot did anything for me, but I can't get into it. If anybody has any other suggestions, I'll just be over here trolling dating sites.